You Know You're Getting Old When . . .

� you have painted those rocks at the edge of your driveway white.

� you start to think a pastel warm-up suit makes a pretty snappy outfit for going out in public.

� trips to the bathroom begin outnumbering trips to the fridge.

� the pleasure you feel elevating your feet has nothing to do with sexual gratification.

� there are more colors in your pill-dispenser case than in that Hawaiian sunset jigsaw puzzle you glued together and hung in the hall.

� nothing is funny.

� the only things you feel are bargains anymore are those crappy items at the dollar store that you don�t really need 5 of anyway.

� you begin experiencing hunger pangs at 3:00 p.m., especially for the Meat Loaf Special at Shoney�s.

� you can recall more names of deceased past Presidents than of your grandchildren.

� all you do with your cell phone is make and receive calls, and even that often seems bafflingly high-tech and high-falutin�.

� most of your conversations begin with �We never used to . . . �.

� the most memorable evenings with your sex partner consist only of foot baths, Matlock, instant frappuccino, and those damn neighbor kids being quiet.

� you wonder how so many apparent 7-year-olds could get driver�s licenses.

� Republican politicos begin making sense.

� you plan your meals not around what to include, but around what to exclude.

� every one of your growing number of doctors, dentists and insurance agents is a �young whippersnapper�.

� you insist on watching the nightly national news, and feel compelled to shout back at every news item.

� you and your partner make more noise getting out of bed in the morning than you ever made getting into bed at night.

� 90 bucks a month is far too much for you to pay for wireless phone service, cable TV, internet access and movie rentals � combined!

� reading any list as long as this is a real pain in the ass.

� stripes go with plaid goes with paisley goes with polka dots goes with herringbone; brown goes with green goes with gold goes with pink goes with turquoise.

� no one is beautiful anymore; the only choices are cute, OK, had some work done, trashy, and homelier than a mud fence.

� the volume control on your TV no longer goes anywhere near high enough.